embracing empathy—but not too tightly

A small child begins to cry when he sees another child his age crying…

A middle schooler invites the new kid in class to sit with them at lunch, imagining how hard it is to be a new student…

Most people you talk to would say that empathy is good thing—it helps us feel connected to others, helps people to feel safe, and is essential for healthy relationships. Many classrooms across the country are regularly teaching empathy as part of the curriculum. When we can “feel” another person’s emotion (while staying grounded in our own reality) and accurately express that to them somehow, people feel understood and can begin to heal.

But what happens when we are feeling the suffering of other people on such a regular basis that we begin to shut down? We begin to withdraw? We feel numb or become cynical about it all? The recent news about the escalating levels of violence in the lives of Palestinians and Israelis has felt like “the straw to break the camel’s back” to some. Many of us are still catching our breath from the past few years’ growing awareness of climate instability, the growing wealth gap, and unprecedented unethical behavior by those who hold positions of power. The sense of helplessness in the face of so much injustice and suffering has a name: empathic fatigue.

I recently found myself unable to pray for the recent tragedies occurring around me, as my efforts felt so insignificant under the weight of the sorrow I was feeling. It led me to a moment of self-compassion and a seeking for a way forward with integrity. In addition to talking to loved ones about my heartbreak, I discovered a way to frame empathy in much more life-giving ways.

Consider this small shift: Responsibility FOR vs. Responsibility TO

Learning about this simple yet profound distinction (see below*) has lessened my sense of empathic distress by helping me better my own boundaries while experiencing the suffering of others—whether in-person or watching the news.

***When I begin to feel anxious about not being able to do enough to help someone who is hurting or I feel like ignoring the news day after day, avoiding people who are bringing up the subjects I find unpleasant, I check in with myself and ask “What do you need?” instead of “What’s wrong with you?” Giving empathy to ourselves is an important first step.

***Secondly, I’ve begun to look at how my heart feels an inner shift of peace when I take a step back and ask, “Are you feeling responsible for something that’s not yours to carry?” When I can mindfully step back into a more healthy relationship to actually caring instead of carrying the situation’s pain, I find it’s suddenly easier to breathe, honor the heartbreak I’m feeling, and genuinely stay connected to the situation at hand rather than shutting down or fleeing. And isn’t remaining connected to the life and love around us what it’s all about each day?

Empathy is one of the gifts of being human. Taking care of this gift — by offering it shelter and protection when necessary — is much easier to do when we offer the gift to ourselves first.

• WHEN FEELING RESPONSIBLE FOR: I fix, protect, rescue, control, carry others’ feelings for them, struggle to listen
• I feel tired, anxious, fearful, liable
• I am concerned with solutions, answers, details, performance, and circumstances being right
• I try to control others and expect them to live up to my expectations.

• WHEN FEELING RESPONSIBLE TO: I show empathy, encourage, share, confront, consider, listen
• I feel relaxed, aware, confident, connected
• I am concerned with relating person to person, the other person’s feelings and needs, understanding, demonstrating respect, and building trust
• I believe if I just share myself, the other person has enough to make it.

*Shared with permission from The Willow Center in Brighton, MI.